Sketch: Looney Toons In Action!

INT. WARNER BROS CORPORATE OFFICE
JACK (AUSTIN) and SAM (ANDREAS) are seated side by side in their shared office. They are each chain smoking and sporting a white shirt and black suspenders. Jack’s phone rings and he picks it up. 
JACK
Hello? Well, how am I supposed to know that? You’re the writer! Alright, Hold on let me ask ‘em.
Jack places his phone to his chest and turns to Sam.
JACK
Is the ‘Three Little Bears’ public domain?
SAM
Yeah, it is. 
JACK
You heard the man–you didn’t?! It...it is public domain, yeah. Alright.
Jack hangs up. Sam’s phone begins to ring, he answers.
SAM
Hello? No, no, no, no. How many times do I have to say it? A shadow faced spartan martian. Uh huh. Okay.
Sam slams the phone down. As he does, Jack’s starts ringing.
JACK
Jack here. It has to be a southern chicken. SOUTHERN...well, then get me one that can do accents!
Jack hangs up. 
(BEAT)
Sam’s starts ringing. Sam picks up. 
SAM
Yeah? Can’t get the gloves on the rabbit? Too small?! Walt did it with mice, Chuck! Mice!
Sam hangs up.
(BEAT)
Jack’s phone rings. He answers.
JACK
What do you mean acme wants to pull sponsorship… promotes violence!? Get my lawyer on the phone tell him I’m buying acme and the first thing I do is fire that jackass. 
Jack slams the phone back on the receiver. 
JACK
(CONT’D)
Gah! We don’t get any respect in this town. We’re the Warners for Christ’s sake!
SAM
Fucking Walt. I’ll show him whose got pull in this city. 
Sam picks up the phone with vigor. He dials.
SAM
(CONT’D)
I need a pig with a stutter and a hunter with a speech impediment. And NOT the other way around neither. 
Before Sam can hang up the phone Jack stands and motions for him to hand it over. Sam passes the phone.
JACK
Yeah, and I need Bunny with a boston accent and find me two mexican mice. One fast, one sleepy.
Sam then stands and takes back his phone.
SAM
And find me a white guy with a gun. And he’s—Oh you got that one. That’s excellent, good work Friz! Take the rest of the day off.
Sam hangs up the phone in triumph. 
JACK
And that’s why we’re the Warner Bros!
They share a chest bump, then cockily sit down. 
SAM
Yep! Things are finally lookin’ up for the—
Jack’s phone beings to ring, their eyes jolt over to the phone. Jack answers.
JACK
You lost the audio?! Goddamnit, get that hack Mel Blanc to dub over it. 
Sam’s phone begins to ring. He answers. 
SAM
What do you mean the coyote doesn’t know how to roller skate?! HE BETTER KNOW HOW TO SKI!
JACK
What?! No! You’re fired!
Jack slams the phone down in frustration and then turns to Sam.
JACK
(CONT’D)
He just tried to tell me that the skunk trying to fuck the cat is problematic?! 
Sam, still on the phone, throws his hands up in frustration.
SAM
What?! Why the hell would a pig wear pants that’s ridiculous! No don’t get rid of the sport coat, are you Trying to ruin this picture?! If Walt saw a pig without a sport coat, you know what he’d do?! He’d laugh. Laugh us right outta this business.
Jack looks over script on desk, begins dialing phone furiously.
JACK
It’s doc. Doc! Stop sending me scripts that say doctor and remember I need range from the performers! They’re doing opera next week!
SAM
It’s meep meep not beep beep! He’s a road runner, not a car. Do I need to come down there?! I didn’t think so! Fix it, or I’ll have your head, Blanc!
Sam and Jack slam their phones down. They look at each other and then both phones begin ringing again. They answer in anger.
SAM
What do you mean we can’t send the duck to space?!
JACK
What do you mean he’s still a pile of ash with eyeballs?! We got scenes to shoot tomorrow.
SAM
What do you mean he needs motivation?! He doesn’t have to be a fucking thespian about it! The line is ‘Blaeglaglaghlahgh’!
They each slam their phones down and immediately pick them back up and dial.
JACK
Find me a duck with a trick beak, one that spins all the way around!
SAM
Bring me a three foot man in a four foot hat...and a big furry red thing. I got a picture in my head I can’t describe it.
JACK
What do you mean the rabbit doesn’t look good in the dress?! Well, tuck the ears under the wig, roll on some lipstick, Fuchsia Number 9, and tighten up the corset. I need it to be indistinguishable from a human woman, do you understand me?
Jack stands from his desk and holds the phone directly in front of his face as he rasies his voice.
JACK
I want every man in America to want to fuck that rabbit!

END

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